MORRISTOWN, NY — A teenage male identified as William Beauregard expressed gratitude to his parents Thursday for the love and support he received during his period of gender confusion before promptly asking that his testicles be returned.
"It's really great that you were there for me during that awkward time I thought I was Wilma Boo, a saucy young lady who was part dragon," William said. "But can I please have my testicles back now?"
William's parents explained that the testicles were gone — probably in a landfill somewhere — and that even if he got them back, doctors would be unable to reattach them since he was "just a weird Ken doll down there now."
According to sources, William underwent gender reassignment surgery back in 2023 because he was feeling "kind of sad" and, after months of therapy, realized the only thing that would make him happy was the thought of irreversibly mutilating his body so, of course, his parents let him.
"What were we supposed to do?" one of his two moms asked. "Not let him irreversibly mutilate his body? That's ridiculous!"
William argued the point further, but after being shown x-rays of his body that had been taken after the surgery — proving that the procedure could not be reversed — he decided it was time for another permanent change to a temporary problem: emancipating from his parents.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
