DEARBORN, MI — According to neighbors, local wife and mother Helena Kenti has reportedly begged her husband Peter, who is currently going through a midlife crisis, to "please" get rid of the Greek trireme docked in their driveway and instead buy a convertible like a normal person.
"You're 40 — so what? You don't need a Greek trireme," Mrs. Kenti begged. "Look, how about we get you a nice overpriced convertible instead? I don't care how much it costs!"
The trireme, erected in the Greek style, is reportedly seaworthy but untested. It has been sitting unused in their driveway for weeks while Peter Kenti continues his search for loyal fighting men to man the oars.
"I can't do it, honey," Peter explained to his wife as she continued to plead with him for the sake of their marriage. "The sea . . . it calls to me."
Mrs. Kenti was willing to try anything. "What about a nice little motorboat then? They're fast!"
Her husband ignored the comment as he looked out his window wistfully, his head filled with the glory of ancient sea battles against the Persian navy.
Authorities were later called to the scene after neighbors complained that the Greek trireme, too big for the Kenti's small driveway, was blocking traffic. Officers intended to present Peter Kenti with a citation before they saw how cool the Greek trireme was and asked to join his crew.
At publishing time, Kenti had obediently gotten rid of the trireme.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
