WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Trump has called for the FBI to reopen the "Cold Case" against the Zodiac Killer.
The move was staunchly opposed by Ted Cruz, who said there's "no need" to look into the old serial killings, nervously adding that the FBI isn't likely to find anything.
"Today I demanded the FBI open a Cold Case against the Zodiac Killer. Many questions -- we'll get to bottom of this!" Trump tweeted, prompting Ted Cruz to request a meeting with the president.
"Heh," Cruz said, adjusting his collar as he sweated profusely. "Look, Mr. President, I don't think we'll get very far with this whole Zodiac Killer thing. The guy's probably long gone. Definitely not someone who laid low for a while and then emerged back into public life and rose to prominence in politics. You're barking up the wrong tree here."
"No, I think he's close. Closer than we think," Trump said, sizing up Cruz suspiciously. The Texas senator slowly edged for the Oval Office door, feeling for the handle as he held his breath.
"In fact, I think the Zodiac Killer is... Carole Baskin!" the president said excitedly, causing Cruz to breathe a sigh of relief. "It all fits perfectly. She fed her husband to the tigers -- a real cold-blooded killer. She's the one we're looking for, guaranteed."