WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a bold act of defiance against states with oppressive coronavirus restrictions, President Trump announced today that the Republican National Convention would be moved from North Carolina to a Golden Corral restaurant.
Trump made the announcement while standing outside a Golden Corral buffet.
"Many say we shouldn't gather at buffets, but this is a free country," said Trump. "What's the point of being America if we can't have buffets? We might as well be a Communist country like China, Canada, or California. Not on my watch. Golden Corral it is."
He spent the rest of the press conference praising the buffet chain for its "tremendous" food.
"Golden Corral has fantastic fried chicken. Many people are saying it's the best fried chicken, maybe ever. You can dip it in the mashed potatoes, and it's just, it's just incredible. Very good food. The dessert bar is also excellent. You just can't get enough of the apple cobbler -- can't get enough of it. I guarantee it."
The president then entered the restaurant and sat down for the maximum allowed time, sampling the various foods in preparation for the convention. He was caught smuggling soft-serve ice cream out of the buffet in his pockets and has been asked not to return.