WASHINGTON, D.C. — A tearful President Trump has reportedly issued a halt on all deportations and ordered the immediate withdraw of ICE from Minnesota after witnessing celebrities wear pins that said "ICE OUT" during the Grammys.
"ICE must be very bad," Trump said. "Very bad. Billie Eilish said so and she wouldn't lie to me. I feel terrible for what I've done."
According to White House aides, Trump had been looking forward to the Grammys all week, but that all changed when celebrities started speaking directly to him through the television and pointing out their "ICE OUT" pins.
Trump, who has always considered himself sympathetic to the plight of celebrities, was reportedly pierced to the heart. "What's happening? Kid Rock loves my policies, but these guys don't," Trump said. "Could Kid Rock be wrong? He must be. He's never won a Grammy."
Before the awards ceremony even ended, Trump was on the phone with Tom Homan, his official Border Czar. "You've got to get them out of there, Tom," Trump said, referring to ICE. "The musicians hate them. Musicians are never wrong."
According to an anonymous White House source, tears streamed down Trump's face during Billie Eilish's acceptance speech, and he was not able to calm down until the next commercial break when the GEICO Gecko appeared.
"Hey, look at that gecko. It's talking," Trump said. "Just tremendous."
At publishing time, Trump had bombed Israel after Taylor Swift admonished him to "Free Palestine."
Coming soon to a Democrat-controlled city near you!
