MAR-A-LAGO, FL — After shots rang out from an AK-47 while President Trump was attempting to play a round of golf, Taylor Swift's private jet was spotted fleeing the scene.

"That's the last time you mess with the Swifties!!" a nasally, sing-song voice cried out as the plane rose into the sky.

While the investigation remains ongoing, officials pointed to Trump's inexplicably posting "I HATE TAYLOR SWIFT" on Truth Social as a possible motive. "Trump's been up against the legal system, foreign governments, his own party, and everything in-between. But he's never been up against the Swifties," said local investigator Dean Simmons. "This is a whole new ball game."

At publishing time, Democrats had agreed to stop calling Trump "literally Hitler" for about 48 hours after the most recent shooting.

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