MAR-A-LAGO, FL — After shots rang out from an AK-47 while President Trump was attempting to play a round of golf, Taylor Swift's private jet was spotted fleeing the scene.
"That's the last time you mess with the Swifties!!" a nasally, sing-song voice cried out as the plane rose into the sky.
While the investigation remains ongoing, officials pointed to Trump's inexplicably posting "I HATE TAYLOR SWIFT" on Truth Social as a possible motive. "Trump's been up against the legal system, foreign governments, his own party, and everything in-between. But he's never been up against the Swifties," said local investigator Dean Simmons. "This is a whole new ball game."
At publishing time, Democrats had agreed to stop calling Trump "literally Hitler" for about 48 hours after the most recent shooting.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
