U.S. — The Federal Bureau of Investigation decided to distract the public from their complete lack of progress on the old Trump assassination attempt with a shiny, new Trump assassination attempt.
"Look, what's that over there? It's another person trying to shoot Trump! Oh no!" said FBI Director Christopher Wray. "Aw, shucks, looks like we don't have time to worry about Matthew Crooks and all his encrypted communication."
The FBI assured Americans that they would absolutely get to the bottom of this new assassination attempt and everyone should totally focus on that. "Rest assured, we will find out who planned this and why," said field director Scott Marshall. "Unless, that is, the suspect we detained trips and falls into a noose and then off a bridge onto a ship that suddenly explodes. Not that that would ever happen, haha."
At publishing time, the detained suspect had tripped, fallen into a noose, fallen off a bridge, and landed on a ship that suddenly exploded.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
