NASHVILLE, TN — Former President Donald Trump laid his heart on the line this afternoon as he stood outside Taylor Swift's home with a boombox raised over his head, sobbing as it played "You Belong With Me."
"Why can't you see it, Taylor? Why??" cried Trump, tears slowly rolling down his golden cheeks. "Can't you see that I'm the one who understands you??"
The beautiful gesture by Trump followed Swift spurning the former President, instead choosing his nemesis Kamala Harris. "She wears high heels, I wear sneakers, she's cheer captain and I'm on the bleachers," sang Trump, barely able to keep the emotion in check. "Dreaming 'bout the day when you wake up and find that what you're looking for has been here the whole time! Why can't you see it's the Donald, Tay-Tay!"
At publishing time, Trump had forlornly ended his ballad with a moving, "All this time, how could you not know, baby?
You belong with me."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
