TAIPEI — Secretary of State Antony Blinken sparked controversy this weekend by voicing opposition to Taiwan independence. In response, Taiwan is kicking itself for not bribing the Bidens as was done by Ukraine and others.

By clarifying its stance on Taiwan, the Biden Administration has drawn a hard line against China, forcing the Communist country to keep doing whatever it wants to do without any repercussions.

"With a going rate of $5 million per Biden, it would have been a steal," said Taiwan's Foreign Minister while downing another shot of Kaoliang. "I'm soooo stupid!"

The inebriated diplomat continued, "I even called Hunter Biden today and offered incredible sums of money for protection, but the only response I got was a loud snorting noise and some ramblings about getting off with a misdemeanor."

At publishing time, the U.S. had finally come to the aid of Taiwan's fight for independence with a check for $60 billion after Taiwan elected Volodymyr Zelenskyy honorary President.

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