WASHINGTON, D.C. — Solemnly addressing reporters on the White House lawn today, President Biden vowed to send a rescue train in search of the OceanGate Titan, a submersible that went missing on Sunday while diving to reach the wreckage of the Titanic.
Biden has promised that every effort is being made to rush the nation's new train that runs "from the Pacific across the Indian Ocean" over to the site of the Titanic wreck in order to help with rescue efforts.
"The train is on the way to the wreckage now," Biden said. "We've diverted it from its usual course on the ocean floor across the Pacific and Indian Oceans, and it's running as fast as possible to begin scouring the ocean floor in the North Atlantic. You know, I was on Titanic's maiden voyage. Met a few fantastic chicks there - real babes. Didn't look a day over 16, maybe 17. You know, I used to captain ocean liners across the Great Plains for a few summers to make some extra cash."
Staffers quickly cut Biden's microphone before he could go on.
According to experts, getting the train to change course to go all the way around the world is no easy feat, as engineers have to ride on top and place tracks really, really fast in front of it as it goes, like a cartoon character.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
