PORTLAND, OR—Haunting security footage released over the weekend revealed the true explanation for the grisly, mysterious death of worship leader Patrick “Whitesnake” Millerson.
Authorities had been baffled by the discovery of Millerson’s lifeless body covered in a pile of dusty Baptist Hymnals early Monday morning. Friends, family, and co-workers all speculated on the possibilities, with some suggesting he had been skewered by a broken guitar string, and others postulating he had simply played “Oceans” one time too many and lost his will to live.
But the new footage revealed Millerson’s death was something much more sinister: a painful demise at the pages of a teeming horde of angered, sentient hymnals.
As Millerson packed away his guitar at Sunday evening service after telling the rest of the worship band he would lock things up, he suddenly turned his head, apparently hearing a noise of some kind coming from the storage area backstage. Millerson went over to investigate, but found nothing. Turning from the room filled with VBS decorations from 15 years ago and several broken copiers, the worship leader jumped back with a start: he was suddenly surrounded by a horde of bloodthirsty hymnals closing in on him inch by inch.
Millerson can be heard on an audio recording begging for his life as the hymnals floated closer and closer, humming a discordant rendition of “Come Thou Fount.”
“Now, now, let’s be reasonable guys—it was nothing personal when we went to the projection screens, I swear! All the cool churches were doing it!” Millerson said, tears welling up in his eyes, his voice shaking. “I—I played Chris Tomlin’s version of ‘Amazing Grace’ that one time, guys! Come on, you can’t do this! Guys? Guys! Agggghhhhhhhh!!!!!!”
As he screamed, a lone hymnal lept from the horde and attached itself to his face, beginning to suck out his life force. Smelling blood in the water, the other songbooks followed one by one, smothering the worship minister. Security cameras failed to capture Millerson’s final moments, as the system began to flicker and finally break into white noise as the combined force of the malevolent hymnals interfered with the devices.
Millerson is survived by his wife, two kids, and eight guitars.
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