U.S. — A new survey of single men has found that the number one qualification they look for in a wife is "someone who will shout at and fight off the invisible lizard people on the plane who aren't real," sources confirmed Monday.
While qualities like "a good homemaker" and "a strong personality" also ranked high on men's list of good characteristics of a potential mate, the number one thing they look for, by far, appears to be "the ability and willingness to absolutely freak out when a demon-lizard appears on a flight and we're all about to die."
"Yeah, I mean, looks, personality, and future parenting skills are all a plus, obviously," said one respondent to the survey. "But honestly, the number one thing I'm out there scopin' out is whether or not she'll just go absolutely bananas on an airplane when no one else is willing to point out the not-real demonic entity on an airplane so we can escape that death trap."
"I'm pretty introverted, so I need a chick to speak up for me," said another man. "Like, if my mashed potatoes don't come out right, or if I've got a problem with our cell carrier's customer service. Or, if there's an invisible Lizard Space Lord on the airplane with us and I'm just too shy to speak up."
As it's the year 2023, "doesn't have a penis" also ranked highly on the list.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
