10 Theses From Martin Luther That Didn't Quite Make The Cut
Sponsored · Aug 15, 2023 · BabylonBee.com

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Many people are quite familiar with Martin Luther's famous 95 Theses that he nailed to the door of the Castle Church in Wittenberg, Germany in 1517, but have you ever heard about his other theses that were left out at the last minute? They include some real scorchers!

In a Babylon Bee exclusive, we have obtained a list of theses Martin Luther thought twice about posting.

  1. If any pastor asks his congregation to say hi to each other in an extended greeting time, let him be anathema: Preach.
  2. Golf isn't a sport: Luther's argument appears to be that if overweight elderly people can do well at it, it's more of an activity. Holds water.
  3. Yes, God could make a rock so big He couldn't lift it: A centuries-long debate finally settled.
  4. The Pope is a stinky doo-doo pants and his hat looks dumb: He scrapped this one in favor of more logical arguments.
  5. Christians should exercise moderation in all things, but it's OK to just pound a few too many IPAs once in a while: He was German, after all.
  6. If it doesn't have beans, you can't call it chili: Get out of here with your greasy meat sauce, you heathens.
  7. The Dark Knight isn't even a Batman movie - it's just an average, overlong crime movie that happens to have Batman in it: We knew Luther had some controversial opinions, but wow.
  8. The Fellowship couldn't have taken the Eagles to Mordor for the following reasons: 1. Eagles aren't the chauffeurs of Middle Earth and generally don't intervene in the affairs of men. They're kind of like sub-angels, messengers of Valinor. It's like asking "Why didn't the angels just carry the Israelites to the promised land?" It's not their role. 2. They probably would have gotten caught. Sauron had flying messengers and spies of his own, not to mention the flying Nazgul he unleashed shortly after the Council of Elrond, right when the Eagles would have been flying into Mordor. 3. The council explicitly states the reason for having a Hobbit walk it all the way is because it is a foolish plan that Sauron would not expect. While he didn't expect them to destroy the Ring at all, he'd definitely be on the lookout for any kind of visible approach like that. 4. Eagles are high and powerful creatures, and while I don't know if they'd even care about the Ring much less seize it, the point is made that you don't want powerful beings to bear it. Even Gandalf doesn't want to touch it. 5. Finally, and most importantly, remember what destroys the Ring in the end: Frodo's act of mercy sparing Gollum, which allows the Ring to be destroyed by fate when he tries to take it from Frodo. I don't think any mortal has the willpower to destroy the Ring. If the Eagles had just dropped off Frodo, it's very likely he would have seized the Ring rather than cast it into the fire. It took the journey to change Frodo from "I wish Bilbo had killed Gollum" to sparing him, having perhaps some foresight that he would have a role to play. It all makes sense.
  9. It's pronounced "GIF": Obviously!
  10. Remember, with this whole Reformation thing, let's reform the abuses and theological errors of the current Catholic church but not splinter into a bunch of groups that all hate each other: Maybe he should have put this one in there.

As you can see, this list of lost theses really shows a whole new side to ol' Marty Luther. You have to admit, the guy was a true rebel.


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Babylon Bee subscriber Tim G contributed to this report. If you want to pitch your own headline ideas to our staff, click here to check out all of our membership options!

World, meet Travis. Travis, meet the world. In this first episode of our new show Travis Interviews the World, we interview some guy named Jordan Peterson.

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