TOPEKA, KS — After several reports emerged of Dr. Don Williams showing signs of cognitive impairment, the surgeon assured his patient population that he is still reliably lucid between 10 a.m. and 4 p.m.
"Don't you worry," said Dr. Williams to a patient being prepped for surgery. "I'm still totally coherent about 25% of the time. I'm the man for the job."
Surprisingly, Dr. Williams' reassurances did little to quell the patient's fears. "Um, don't you have to operate before 10 a.m. sometimes?" asked the patient, Landry Smith. "Wait a minute, isn't my surgery scheduled to start at 9 a.m.?!?" cried Smith. However, Dr. Williams just laughed and walked out of the room.
A terrified Smith called for a nurse, demanding to know why Dr. Williams was still allowed to operate. "What on earth are you talking about?" replied the nurse. "Dr. Williams is at the absolute top of his game. I have worked with him every day for the last four years and he is literally the best surgeon on the planet."
"Are you nuts?" responded Smith. "Be quiet for just one second, and listen to him talk!" The nurse did as requested, and the two listened as Dr. Williams explained to a toaster that he was about to remove its gallbladder through its nose. "You honestly think he should be doing my surgery?" asked Smith.
"Of course not. He's obviously got terrible dementia," said the nurse calmly. "Crazy how I never put that together after watching him butcher patient after patient the past four years. He's got to retire immediately!"
Despite the sudden calls from nursing staff for Dr. Williams to retire due to his mental decline, he has thus far steadfastly refused. "Nothing but the Lord Almighty could make me stop operating on people," said Dr. Williams. "I know my mind and my surgical skills aren't so good anymore. Heck, I know I hallucinate in the OR and forget where I am. That's not going to stop me from cutting on people, not after all I did to claw my way to the top of the surgical department. I can still do this. They will have to pry the scalpel out of my cold, dead hands."
At publishing time, the hospital had decided to just let Dr. Williams keep butchering patients as he had brought in a lot of donations to the hospital and it would be a lot of hassle to make him quit.
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