CETA CANYON, TX — Local teenager Kevin Stanton set a new record this week after getting saved at church camp for the seventh year in a row.
"I did it!" shouted Stanton, polishing off yet another Sinner's Prayer. "Time to bask in the security of eternal salvation -- until next year!"
According to sources, Stanton first accepted Christ as Lord during church camp at age nine, but quickly became unsure if his conversion really took. "I asked my Youth Pastor how someone who had prayed the prayer could later walk away from the faith, and he said it was because they never really accepted Christ in the first place. So, then I started wondering -- had I really accepted Christ?" explained Stanton. "I thought I was sincere, but shoot, I don't know. I backslid so quickly, maybe it wasn't real. Better not chance it with hell on the line!"
Though typically waiting for the last night of camp to get saved, Stanton mixed things up a bit this year by getting saved mid-week. "Lots of the bad kids get saved on Friday and then fall away by Saturday. Maybe Wednesday is the night," thought Stanton. "Hopefully the fruits of my life will prove that this time was the real deal and I'm one of the chosen. Come on, good fruits!"
At publishing time, Stanton had discovered that he was still sinful and was considering getting saved an eighth time at the youth group's back-to-school bash next month.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
