Democrat Voters Excited To See Who Party Will Unilaterally Nominate Next

AUGUSTA, ME — With their ballots now chucked in the garbage, Democratic voters are once again excitedly waiting to see who the Party leaders will choose to be their nominee.

The Democratic Party rolled out a new system in 2024 where Democrats may vote for their preferred candidate in a primary, and then those ballots are collected and burned in a beautiful bonfire. Party leaders have a nice chuckle, then pick whoever they wish as the nominee, while Democratic voters wait in rapt anticipation.

"It's a neat system. You just have no idea who might be representing you, or what they might believe," said local woman Sandra Fanning. "It's still neat to pretend like you vote in the primary, and then get all the fun of guessing who it might be instead. We picked a Nazi, so the spectrum of possibilities is pretty wide open."

According to Democratic leaders, they are considering doing away with the charade of hosting primaries, but will keep it going for a few more years. "I think pretending to have a democracy is still nice, at least for a little longer," said party operative Bradley Higgins. "It's kind of cute Democrats still bother showing up. We'll indulge them another year or so."

At publishing time, Democrats had rejoiced to hear that the party had picked a new, more moderate Nazi as the nominee.

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Rumors swirl about the current condition of Senator Mitch McConnell, but his staff have come out to say that even if he were dead he will still be able to finish his term.