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MILWAUKEE, WI—Chaos reigned in the 6-to-7-year-old Sunday School class at Calvary Baptist Church Sunday morning, as the children organized a successful coup after receiving a healthy snack from the teacher instead of their usual cookies, candy, or doughnuts.
“Alright kids, it’s snack time, and I’ve got something special for you today—some healthy veggie and kale straws!” Sunday School teacher Jeff Cabrera reportedly said to the students as he began to pass out the bags of tasteless health food. “Don’t knock them until you try them—they’re really good!”
According to sources, it was at this point that the students looked at one another and their leader gave a prearranged signal to mutiny. The children rushed the teacher and overpowered him, using his own belt to secure his hands and his neck tie to cover his eyes as they pillaged the classroom for something tastier to eat. They found nothing.
Their violent seizure of power complete and their appetite for sugar unquenched, the students took control of the classroom, locked the doors, taped paper over the windows, and demanded a ransom of candy bars, Oreos, and Airheads to release Mr. Cabrera.
At publishing time, negotiations were ongoing.