U.S.
Study Finds Connection Between Wearing A Mask And Being A Big Sissy

U.S.—Studies have shown that wearing masks can help slow the spread of the novel coronavirus, but a new alarming study shows that wearing a mask has a downside: It greatly increases your chance of being a big sissy.

“The results are incredible,” said sissiness researcher Winston Sullivan. “Someone could seem perfectly normal, but as soon as they put on a mask, you’re all, ‘Aww. Is the poor little guy scared of getting the flu?’ Total wussification, as it’s known in my field.”

According to the study, when some of the participants wore masks, Sullivan felt compelled to knock them to the ground and shout names at them. “And all they did in response,” Sullivan explained, “was say, ‘Is this part of the experiment?’ What a bunch of dorks.”

Sullivan did say that in certain situations wearing a mask could not make you a sissy, such as if it were “part of an entire ninja ensemble.” “But if you don’t know kung fu,” Sullivan said, “it definitely just makes you a big sissy.”

Sullivan did admit the masks were somewhat effective in keeping people from “infecting each other with the ‘rona and dying and stuff,” which is worth noting if “you’re the sort of nerd who cares about that.”

There are 76 comments on this article.

You must become a premium subscriber or login to view or post comments on this article.