U.S.—Over the past few years, we have noticed a disturbing trend in our satire: it comes true. In the beginning, we thought it was just coincidence, but as the fulfilled prophecies continued to stack up, we came to accept the truth. We here at the Babylon Bee have been given the gift of prophetic vision, and it's time to use that spiritual gift for the good of mankind.
It has therefore been decided that we will only make jokes about cool and good things so our future will be cool and good. Here are some of our headlines. Enjoy your new future!
- Presidential Election Cancelled After Nation Agrees That Everyone Will Just Be Chill To Each Other For A While
- All Racism Ended After Everyone Realizes We're All Pretty Much The Same
- Joel Osteen Becomes A Christian
- Wife Brings Babylon Bee Writer A Tasty Sandwich
- Joe Biden Retires Peacefully To A Nice Home With A Rocking Chair And A Jar Of Werther's Caramels
- Cancer Cured, Flying Cars Invented After Twitter Outage Lasts 1 Week
- Firefly Returns For 20 New Seasons
- Disney Sells Star Wars Franchise To VidAngel
- Abortion Is Outlawed Worldwide Saving 50 Million Babies A Year
- All Politicians In Washington Gathered Into One Spot And Launched Into The Sun
- Carman Releases Big Comeback Album, Hits #1 On Billboard Charts
- Ron Paul Elected President, Ends Fed, Abolishes IRS, Throws Commies Out Of Marine One
- Christian Filmmakers Agree To Stop Making Movies
- The Babylon Bee Starts Writing Satire Again
We have more, but that's probably enough goodness for now. We don't want to overdo it. You're welcome, world!