TALLAHASSEE, FL — With recent data showing a marked decrease in crime across the Sunshine State, Florida officials credited its record-low crime rate to having chased away all the Democrats.
As other parts of the country continued to deal with spikes in violent crime, Florida has enjoyed a period of increased peace and quiet, as chasing more and more of the Democrats out of the state has resulted in crime rates plummeting.
"It's a direct correlation," said Governor Ron DeSantis. "We've made a concerted effort to run as many Democrats out of the state as possible, and it's definitely paying off. Our streets are cleaner, our residents are safer, and crime rates have never been lower. It just goes to show what tremendous progress can be made when you start getting rid of the progressives."
Florida residents said the difference had been noticeable. "It's like night and day," said Clearwater resident Ali Chamander. "People don't comprehend how great life in America can be until you experience it without any Democrats. I can go out with my family, have a fun day at the beach, spend a night out on the town, and I don't have to worry about being robbed or assaulted. Thanks for leaving, Democrats!"
At publishing time, DeSantis had said the state would be kicking its efforts to purge itself of Democrats into high gear, with an eye toward ridding the state of crime entirely. "We believe it can be done," he said. "Every Democrat who moves out of the state brings us closer to a better, brighter Florida."
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