U.S. — A new study from Stanford University has revealed the number one cause of depression in males aged 18-65 is not being allowed to dress as a ship's captain from the time of the Napoleonic Wars.
"The results of this study, while shocking to many women, came as no surprise to the men on the research team," said Dr. Brian Peasley, who headed a survey of 5,000 men in the age group in question. "Dressing as the fearless Captain Jack Aubrey of the HMS Surprise is what most men are thinking about at all times, including me."
"Instead, I'm wearing an Old Navy t-shirt and lab coat." Peasley then turned his face away and cried quietly to himself.
The study found that 82% of men feel depressed because they yearn to sail the high seas chasing down the French in an awesome blue naval frock with gold-laced buttons. The other 18% reported feeling depressed because they were hungry.
At publishing time, Stanford released another study showing the number one cause of depression in women is not wearing a Victorian regency dress while kissing Mr. Darcy.
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.