JERUSALEM — New discoveries from archeological digs and ancient texts have led biblical scholars to believe that, in addition to all of the other catastrophes and maladies that plagued Job in his life, he was also a huge Chicago Cubs fan.
"This really adds yet another excruciating layer to Job's suffering," said Professor Bryan Purtle of the Jerusalem Institute of Biblical Discovery. "He not only had to deal with the loss of his children, wealth, and physical health, but he also suffered the indignity and unspeakable disappointment of rooting for the Cubs every season."
Specific verses in particular, scholars say, point to Job's longsuffering as a Cubs fan. "Why did I not die at birth, come out from the womb and expire?" Job said in the 11th verse of chapter 3 following a particularly painful extra-innings Cubs loss to the St. Louis Cardinals. Likewise, Job laments an extended Cubs losing streak that eliminated the team from playoff contention in chapter 7, verse 3: "...so I am allotted months of emptiness, and nights of misery are apportioned to me."
"We also have reason to believe Job's friends were New York Yankees fans," Professor Purtle continued. "Their taunts only served to further heap shame and sorrow upon Job. Even Job's own wife advised him to curse God and die because the Cubs would just keep hurting him each year."
At publishing time, scholars were preparing to dig even deeper into the account of Job's life to determine if his later blessings coincided with abandoning the Cubs.
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