U.S. — Amid ongoing controversy over the Department of Government Efficiency's investigations into numerous federal agencies to uncover fraud and waste, a new study found that people trying to stop financial audits usually have great reasons and are totally innocent of any wrongdoing.
The study collected data from multiple audited institutions and individuals and showed conclusively that anyone who is opposed to audits and scrutiny of financial transactions is completely without fault and not trying to hide anything whatsoever for any specific reason.
"Everyone who doesn't want to be audited is blameless," said Dr. Evan Hornblower, lead researcher on the study. "An astounding 100% of people polled who voiced opposition to government agencies being audited said they were doing so with entirely altruistic intentions and not in any way conveying any sign of guilt or malfeasance. They're all innocent, which is why they don't want anyone looking into anything, ever. Because that's what innocent people do."
One outspoken man trying to keep DOGE from doing any further audits clarified his stance. "They had better stop this intrusive meddling in my affairs," said the man who maintained his innocence. "I have absolutely nothing to hide, which is why I'm vehemently opposed to anyone taking a closer look at the financials. That would be really, really bad for me, but I won't say why, even though I've done nothing wrong. They don't find anything, which is why I don't want them to keep looking. Please stop."
At publishing time, everyone rumored to be connected to the agencies being audited had reportedly packed up all their belongings and moved to countries that don't have extradition laws to further prove their innocence.
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