WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a startling new study reviewed by Congress, it was revealed that a staggering 3 million Americans lost their lives last year fishing around in the crack of their seats while driving for lost Chick-fil-A waffle fries.
"This is sad, but not surprising," the study's lead researcher Marion Winkler told reporters. "I was in three accidents just this year due to fishing between the seats for an elusive, hot, crispy, pillowy, decadent piece of decadent waffle-potato goodness."
"Mmmmm... waffle fries. Who wants to go to Chick-fil-A with me?"
The study looked at how many car accidents were caused directly by distracted drivers reaching into the abyss of that crack between the middle console of their cars and their seats to grab that last savory snack. The results showed at least 3 million deaths can be linked to drivers yelling "DANGIT!" and wrenching their hands down into the crevasse while flying down the road.
"We lost Aaron to a waffle-fry-related accident," local woman Sharon Meeks said. "He was a great husband, he'll be missed dearly. I'm just glad he died doing what he loved; snacking on fried food in the car while listening to his favorite podcast."
Chick-fil-A released a statement expressing sympathy for the auto accident victims and pledged to send at least one Chick-fil-A employee to every victim's funeral to provide comfort and catering.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
