WASHINGTON, D.C. — A study from the National Academies of Sciences, Engineering, and Medicine (NASEM) confirmed on Friday that everyone is doing a great job parenting, and you're the only one having problems with your kids.
"After hundreds of thousands of years, humanity has really got this whole 'raising children' thing down to a science," said Dr. Levi Wolfram, a child psychologist and medical doctor who contributed to the study. "Well, except for one family."
According to sources, your kids are the only ones in the world who hate bed time, whine about not getting their way, forget to do their chores, get in trouble at school, talk too much, talk too little, refuse to share their toys, don't clean their rooms, get in fights, hate coffee, beg for a cell phone, watch Frozen over and over, etc. In fact, it's a problem that is so unique to your family that researchers have discussed installing cameras in your home and studying you 24/7 to figure out why you're such bad parents.
Researchers now believe the 135-page study was mostly a waste of time since virtually no parents struggle with raising their children. Just you. "Even beyond the traditional nuclear family — single moms, gay dads, wolves on the frozen tundra — none of them struggled with their kids," explained NASEM Director William Francis, Jr. "In hindsight, I'm not sure what we were expecting to learn. Parenting is super easy. We don't know what your deal is."
The study has reportedly made waves in Washington as politicians debate whether or not to segregate your family from the rest of the world to avoid damaging the precise clockwork parenting of literally everyone else.
At publishing time, a follow-up study confirmed that your family is also the only one that can't sit still for a family portrait at JCPenney's.
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