ATLANTA, GA — Following Lululemon's surprising decision to not intervene when merchandise is being stolen, streets have been overrun with groups of thugs wearing the latest Lululemon attire.
"Did those guys just run by in matching pairs of cool-tone athletic training joggers from Lululemon's 2023 summer collection?" asked Sarah Jenkins as she was passed by thugs firing shots wildly in the air. "Criminals have such fashionable taste in the latest athletic wear trends!"
According to local police, Lululemon's decision to allow shoplifters to run free has caused serious difficulties. "Criminals are so much faster now! We literally can not keep up with clothing that offers that level of agility and breathability while sprinting full speed away from law enforcement," said Officer Dan Peterson. "What hope do we have against such superior performance?"
"I never thought I'd be mugged by someone wearing Lululemon's latest moisture-wicking tank top," expressed local man Dave Simmons. "Now I don't know what to do when I see a group of people wearing yoga pants. Am I in danger or are they just heading to grab a latte or to a workout?"
At publishing time, Lululemon had announced that they would start calling the cops on shoplifters, but only if the suspects are white.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
