U.S.—Stimulus payments have been delayed yet again as President Trump announced he would be personally delivering a giant check to each and every American.
Trump will reportedly knock on every door in the country and surprise each household with the giant check and some free balloons.
"Hi, I'm President Trump, and you've just won $1,200 of your own money!" Trump shouted, smiling, as he started going down his street, beginning at 1601 Pennsylvania Avenue and moving on from there. "Congratulations! What are you going to do now?"
"I'm going to Disney World!" the woman declared, overjoyed. No one had the heart to tell her.
This could take a while, so the White House has cautioned everyone that their stimulus checks could arrive any time between now and 1,500,000 A.D.