Starbucks To Close Permanently For Sensitivity Training On Every Possible Situation

SEATTLE, WA—Starbucks has announced all its locations will permanently close so that employees can undergo sensitivity training on every possible situation.

"We just don't know when we can reopen," said a Starbucks spokesperson. "Our baristas need specific hand-holding instruction in every possible situation, and there are infinite possible situations they might find themselves in. So... yeah, it's gonna be a while."

Employees will take years and years of training courses so they can learn how to deal with tough situations, such as the following:

  • What to do if someone doesn't feel safe around police officers and wants you to ask them to leave
  • What do do if a homeless guy wants to shoot up in your bathroom
  • How to respond to a flash mob
  • How to ask politely for a customer to turn off their obnoxious boom box
  • What kind of speech is considered violence
  • When you can kick out a crazy kid who's screaming and rolling around on the floor
  • What to do when a bigot in a MAGA hat shows up
  • How to break up a Bible study

These and infinite other situations will be dealt with. The stores will be reopened at the end of eternity.

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