SEATTLE, WA—Starbucks has announced all its locations will permanently close so that employees can undergo sensitivity training on every possible situation.
"We just don't know when we can reopen," said a Starbucks spokesperson. "Our baristas need specific hand-holding instruction in every possible situation, and there are infinite possible situations they might find themselves in. So... yeah, it's gonna be a while."
Employees will take years and years of training courses so they can learn how to deal with tough situations, such as the following:
- What to do if someone doesn't feel safe around police officers and wants you to ask them to leave
- What do do if a homeless guy wants to shoot up in your bathroom
- How to respond to a flash mob
- How to ask politely for a customer to turn off their obnoxious boom box
- What kind of speech is considered violence
- When you can kick out a crazy kid who's screaming and rolling around on the floor
- What to do when a bigot in a MAGA hat shows up
- How to break up a Bible study
These and infinite other situations will be dealt with. The stores will be reopened at the end of eternity.