CAMBRIDGE, MA—Harvard student David Li was put on time-out and told to stand in the corner by his professor after far exceeding the expected test score of oppressed minorities last Tuesday. The professor of physics, Dr. Liam Sternberger says that he was "visibly trembling" after he had witnessed Li's test scores. "I feared other minorities in class might get the false idea that people from immigrant families are capable of achieving success and aren't oppressed beyond all belief by a nefarious conspiratorial cabal of white, privileged males."
Students reported that as test scores were being read aloud, Sternberger stopped abruptly as he read Li's score: a perfect 100. "What is this?!" He shouted, slamming the paper down on his desk. Witnesses say Mr. Li appeared calm and resilient.
"You go stand in that corner, Mr. Li," Sternberger said. "You stand there and think about how badly you've set back race relations in this country."
Sternberg continued to teach the class while Li stood in the corner, silent and still. At one point a Brazillian student named Jorge Lopez asked how long Li would have to remain on time-out. "It doesn't bother me that he did well on his test, sir," Lopez reportedly said. "In fact, it's rather insulting to think I couldn't handle seeing another student succeed because of their skin color... and the fact that they descend from another country thousands of miles from where I came fro—" Lopez was immediately sent to stand in another corner.
"You want to be part of this class, you better get on board with the narrative," Sternberger said sternly. "Anybody else want to perpetuate right-wing lies?" he asked the students. "Any more racists I need to deal with? Huh? Alt-right anyone? White power? Huh? You?" he asked a confused Haitian student. The class remained silent. "I didn't think so."