SEATTLE, WA — In an effort to attract more male customers, Starbucks announced the release of its new Zyn Spice Frappuccino.
A press release for the new product stated that the drink will come in a variety of flavors, including Cool Mint, Wintergreen, and WhiteBoySummer Vanilla.
"We heard guys like this stuff," said Norm Durbin, New Product Lead at Starbucks. "Our new Zyn Spice Frappuccino with 6 milligrams of nicotine will give you intense focus and help you lock in so you can rise and grind with the boys, or whatever it is you boys do."
"There's nothing like the combination of caffeine and nicotine. Pick one up today and get ZOOTED!"
Sources at the company anticipated that the new release would be especially popular with hedge-fund bros, dudes who can bench 315, and podcasters. "High-performers everywhere will love our Zyn Spice Frappuccino!" said Durbin.
At publishing time, Starbucks had confirmed that it would also offer a 3 milligram option for total pansies.
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