WASHINGTON, D.C. — Poor lil' guy! According to sources, Senator Mitch McConnell became so spooked today by the release of unedited Jan 6 footage that he withdrew his head into his shell and is refusing to come out.
"Oh no! He's scared! It's ok buddy! You can come out now!" said one of his aides, attempting to coax him out with a handful of seaweed pellets. "Shhh--no one's gonna hurt you! The buffalo man is gone! Come on, it's ok!"
Eyewitnesses say the elderly Senator slowly emerged, his big eyes darting to and fro, scanning for danger. Aides were frustrated, however, when McConnell's eyes caught a glimpse of a red baseball cap out of the corner of his eye, which caused him to panic and flip over on his back and kick his legs helplessly in the air.
At publishing time, sources had confirmed Nancy Pelosi was so unsettled by the footage that she shed her skin twice.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
