FRESNO, CA — Local man Rusty Davis became extremely self-conscious today after suddenly realizing he was the only person in all of Walmart walking on legs.
"Oh gosh," said a blushing Mr. Davis as he surveyed the sea of scooters around him. "I feel like such a show-off."
Mr. Davis said the reality of the situation only dawned on him in the dairy aisle after the third straight scooter-bound person asked him to reach a gallon of milk for them. "That's when I looked around and discovered that not another soul in the place was using their legs," said Mr. Davis. "I felt like a mutant, like an X-Man - this freak walking about on two legs, towering over the little scooter brigades. I wanted to run and hide, but the running part would have only made it worse."
With Mr. Davis being the only person in the store able to reach high shelves, a swarm of scooters quickly formed around him and followed him through the store. "I've been waiting for hours on someone with legs," said fellow shopper Dorothy Thatcher. "We got someone who came in with legs about eight this morning - but no pants. I took a pass. My friend Ethel had to bite the bullet, she needed her heart medicine bad."
At publishing time, Mr. Davis had tired after four straight hours of getting items off of high shelves and finally sat down in a scooter.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
