LOS ANGELES, CA — Mayor Karen Bass struck back at mayoral candidate Spencer Pratt on Wednesday, warning the surviving Angelenos who hadn't been stabbed to death by a hobo that his rhetoric was dangerous.
"Spencer Pratt wants to clean up our streets no matter who it hurts, even if it means locking up dangerous stabbing hobos," Bass said to jeers from the crowd. "But not me!"
Bass went on to explain how Pratt, a former reality TV star, had vowed to "clean up her mess" — a statement she called a literal death threat. "If people start blaming me for the city's problems, they might start stabbing me instead of each other," she said.
According to sources, when the city isn't burning, it has a vibrant homeless nightlife full of knife fights and drug dealing. However, Pratt wants to outlaw stabbings, no matter how it might hurt the transient community.
"I take her warnings about dangerous rhetoric very seriously," said local voter Jose Gonzalez as he was being stabbed to death by a hobo. "I'm sticking with her, just like this hobo is sticking his knife into me repeatedly. Hey, that hurts!"
At publishing time, as predicted, Spencer Pratt's rhetoric had begun to turn the city's surviving voters against the hobos trying to stab them.
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