U.S. — The Southern Poverty Law Center has announced the addition of a dangerous new group to its list of hate groups: everyone who is not at this moment wearing a pride shirt.
"This is the largest and most despicable hate group we've seen yet," said Senior Staff Attorney Will Sagwell. "As far as we can tell, these people number in the millions. As we approach the hallowed month of June, keep an eye out for people not wearing garish rainbow-colored t-shirts that say 'Pride' on them. They are members of a sinister new hate group."
Sagwell then shrieked as he realized he wasn't wearing a pride shirt and fled the room in a panic.
Federal and local government agencies have been placed on high alert and are preparing for a surge in hate activity perpetrated by members of the group, which is yet unnamed. Citizens are being urged to wear their shirts at all times along with several rainbow-colored clothing accessories to avoid being targeted by law enforcement.
At publishing time, the SLPC had deemed anyone who criticized their hate group list to be a member of a hate group.
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.