U.S. — Authorities are warning parents to keep their children away from Target stores following reports that children are being stalked and ambushed by a white cartoon dog offering promises of strange new genders. Reports claim the kids are returned to their parents with a whole new gender identity and wardrobe, which the parents are forced to pay for before leaving the store.
In one such instance, CCTV data appears to show Bullseye, the famous Target dog, poking its head out from behind a rack of clothes and asking a young child, "Psst! Hey kid — wanna' change your gender? We've got all sorts of genders where I come from. Let me show you!"
"Oooh! A puppy!" the young boy reportedly said before disappearing into a mystical land where anything is possible except reality.
He was never seen again.
Concerned parent Patricia Argo says she'll never shop at Target again unless they have a really good deal. "I love my kids, but I'm not going to Wal-Mart," she said. "I'm not an animal."
Frank Gephony, a ten-year-old girl turned nonbinary faerself, insists parents are overreacting. "Parents just don't understand," the child said. "I've never been happier. I finally feel like my true self — someone who doesn't exist. Which is how I was born."
"And it's all thanks to Bullseye. I can't wait to try out some new chest binders!"
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
