NEW ORLEANS, LA — Church leaders with the Southern Baptist Convention are debating a measure to enshrine a ban on appointing female pastors, with many frustrated attendees now wishing God had written some sort of book telling them whether or not a pastor can be a woman.
"I just wish God had given us some sort of instruction manual telling us how to run a church properly," lamented former Baptist pastor Rick Warren, who is still wearing a goatee in 2023. "Since we're left without any direction or clarity from on high, I suppose we'll have to take direction from America's corporate DEI departments and let them sort this out for us. That's what Jesus would do."
Sources say church leaders at the SBC annual meeting have implored everyone to search blogs, Jen Hatmaker books, and TGC articles for any wisdom that might shed light on what they all should do. "We're completely in the dark here," said another pastor. "Oh God, why didn't you make this clear for us?!"
At publishing time, the meeting was thrown into chaos as John MacArthur stormed the stage and told all the female attendees to "go home."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
