WASHINGTON, D.C. — In yet another step to establish gay stuff as the official state-sponsored religion in the United States, President Joe Biden has signed an executive order instituting the call to gay prayer, ordering it to take place five times every day, with everyone facing toward San Francisco.
"The gay prayer is part of the bedrock of American life," Biden said in his proclamation. "Each and every American must now kneel down facing the direction of San Francisco and recite the gay prayer. You got that, folks? Just don't kneel down on a rainbow crosswalk — that would be sacrilegious. Sump pump targlefruffurg!"
While LGBTQ+ activists cheered the announcement, many Americans voiced their concerns about the prayer. "There's a ‘gay prayer' now?" asked concerned citizen David Cathcart. "Who are they praying to? I think I have an idea, but if that's true, I really don't want to be praying to that individual, you know what I mean?"
In spite of criticism, the Biden administration remains committed to pushing its public support for gay stuff even further. "The President knows all Americans are on board with this," said one White House source. "We've got other plans as well, including taking a new type of sacrament with Skittles and Bud Light, and we're talking to Dylan Mulvaney to serve as like a Gay Pope type of thing. It's going to be great!"
At publishing time, Biden himself was preparing to give a personal demonstration of the gay prayer, though he was last heard asking for help to show him which direction San Francisco was.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
