BETHANY — Scholars working in the Holy Land learned an interesting tidbit today: the woman who anointed Jesus with oil - Mary of Bethany, a Bethany-dwelling woman whose name was Mary - actually performed the act of worship during an extended sales presentation for essential oils.

Mary's friend - Simon the leper, a man named Simon who had leprosy - had agreed to host the event several days prior, and Mary set about sending out evites to her "fun and exciting night of fellowship." The invitation, of course, contained no indication that the three-hour event would actually be a sales pitch.

"OK, who wants to try out the new lavender-lemon blend?" Mary asked, causing an awkward silence to ensue. Like a sheep before his shearers, Jesus too remained silent in the face of such a stilted and uncomfortable sales presentation. "Hehe, OK, Jesus, why don't we show it off on you?"

Jesus of Nazareth - a man named Jesus who came from Nazareth - reluctantly agreed, and she demonstrated before the bored onlookers the power of her essential oils. "This one is great for calm and peace after a long day of performing miracles," she said. "And it only costs thirty shekels for this half-ounce bottle."

"Or, even better, you too can become a salesperson for Oy Vey Oils! What a great opportunity!"

Scholars believe Mary of Bethany made over two shekels in sales that night, though she was forced by the terms of her sales distribution agreement to spend over 150 shekels on new merchandise the following day or she'd move from her position as Triple Diamond Platinum Regional Sales Girl Boss Queen all the way down to Double Diamond Platinum Regional Sales Girl Boss Queen.

World, meet Travis. Travis, meet the world. In this first episode of our new show Travis Interviews the World, we interview some guy named Jordan Peterson.