WASHINGTON, D.C. - Citing the need for extra precaution and safety, Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor announced her decision to hear the high court's oral arguments from a remote location in order to protect herself from exposure to the U.S. Constitution.
"I read online that exposure to the Constitution causes over 100,000 Americans to become white supremacists every day," said Justice Sotomayor while wearing a face shield and three masks over a Zoom call. "These scientific facts have informed my decision to stay as far away as I can from the dangerous document."
Critics have called out the Supreme Court Justice for being a staggering doofus. Her associate, Justice Clarence Thomas, proved her suspicions ill-informed by demonstrating his daily routine of pulling out the original document, reading it aloud, and pressing it close to his face so he could inhale the aged parchment's magical liberty-promoting fragrance.
At publishing time, Justice Sotomayor was requesting a full brainectomy after hearing the use of one's brain may lead to thoughts and feelings of liberty, justice, and independence.
Watch as a fired Twitter employee applies for her first *actual* job: