WASHINGTON, D.C. - Several news crews in Washington captured the moment as a senile old man who appeared to be lost wandered up to a podium in the White House and spouted a bunch of conspiracy theories about masks and vaccines.
"Hey there folks, listen up. I ain't playin' around here. For real," began the poor demented geriatric. "I'm gonna send free N95 masks to everyone. Save lives. Save lives. And the rest of you dead people would still be alive if it weren't for Joe Rogan or that Brandon fella! Just 15 boosters to stop the spread! Masks! Applesauce! Baloney! Hickory-smoked horseradish! Where's my nurse?"
Biden then made a beeline for a small child in the audience before several bystanders managed to wrestle him to the ground and call a nearby retirement home to pick him up.
Fact-checkers from Politifact and CNN rated the senile rant "100% Infallibly True" and went back to their normal job of fact-checking memes.
Authorities say the confused elderly man is now resting comfortably in the Lincoln Bedroom.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
