JERUSALEM — While holding a feast for his court, King Solomon reportedly became so embarrassed by loud chewing from his 48th wife, Tiffany, that he left in shame and assembled his loyal advisors to weigh the feasibility of demoting her to the role of concubine.
"Maybe we can find something for her in our concubine department," said King Solomon. "She can fold the linens or something, I don't know."
"We can always use more concubines," agreed palace administrator Ahishar.
Solomon, who has been married to Tiffany for three years this Shevat, confessed he never heard her chew before and would never have entered into an unbreakable bond with her if he had. "I already had 47 wives when I met Tiffany. We didn't have a lot of time to date," said the king. "And now I have 700 wives! I don't get much time with any of them."
"She's also way older than my 700th wife," he added. "I want to see her, just never hear her ever again."
Jehoshaphat, son of Ahilud, the king's official recorder, chronicled the meeting but was commanded not to include the details in the sacred Chronicles because it might reflect poorly on him.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
