House Republicans Frantically Binge Old 'Schoolhouse Rock' Episodes To Figure Out What They're Supposed To Be Doing
Politics · Jan 4, 2023 ·

WASHINGTON, D.C. — House Republicans have requested a congressional recess following another failed round of voting for the next Speaker of the House so they can frantically binge-watch old episodes of Schoolhouse Rock and figure out what they're supposed to be doing.

McCarthy reportedly told aides, "There's got to be something in these ancient songs. Hold all my calls! I refuse to talk to any constituents until I am Speaker!"

Republicans first reviewed the classic song "Three-Ring Government" but found it unsettling. They learned a lot but all comparisons to a three-ring circus felt strangely offensive. "We are not a bunch of clowns! You're the clowns!" Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene yelled at the screen. She was supported by Rep. Matt Gaetz, who resented the very idea that he was anything but practically perfect in every way.

According to sources, Republicans quickly grew bored of their intense study of government policy and ordered their aides to review the educational tapes instead. A 4,000-page report on the lessons learned from the catchy tunes and whimsical animation was prepared and half-heartedly skimmed by a majority of the congressional representatives who had requested the information in the first place.

At publishing time, Rep. Kevin McCarthy is still reviewing footage of Schoolhouse Rock, searching for any means whatsoever to gain power. "All I care about is power," he said, eyes lit by the haunting glow of a dim television in a dark room full of empty chairs.

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