CHICAGO, IL - In a stirring moment that left judge, jury, bailiff, and typewriter lady in tears, actor Jussie Smollett paused while reciting his well-rehearsed testimony, stood, and proclaimed, "Now I see, clear as day, that the true attackers were inside me all along."
"We knew he had it inside of him, and it was our job to help him see for himself what we've seen in him all along," said lead prosecutor, Bob Suer as he tried holding back tears. "It's moments like these that make it worth manipulating the ambiguities of the law for the sole purpose of garnering political ammunition."
Smollett apologized to the two Nigerian co-conspirators and asked them to stop emailing him about their rich uncle, gave credit to the police for looking past his story to see the real Jussie Smollett, and thanked both of his fans for standing by him during this difficult time.
The bailiff then wiped his tears, handcuffed Smollett, and dragged him off to jail.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
