HEAVEN — Sources close to God have confirmed the construction of a smaller, slightly less glorious Heaven built specifically for Presbyterians. Located adjacent to actual Heaven, Presbyterian Heaven is reportedly a little smaller and more remote, but is still technically Heaven. According to a spokesangel, the new Presbyterian Heaven will still be "nice," but just a little bit less luxurious than the original Heaven. "No frills, no extra stuff — just good, old-fashioned, basic eternal life," said the spokesangel. "Sure, it doesn't have all the same amenities, but you're still getting into 'Heaven.' Just not, you know, Heaven Heaven." There will be a business casual dress code, according to sources, though every few millennia, inhabitants will be able to "really let their hair down" and go with a polo shirt and khakis. At publishing time, sources had confirmed the construction of an even smaller Heaven built just for Methodists.
Mission accomplished: Satan has just confirmed that Jesus of Nazareth was crucified and will never be coming back.
