HEAVEN — Sources close to God have confirmed the construction of a smaller, slightly less glorious Heaven built specifically for Presbyterians. Located adjacent to actual Heaven, Presbyterian Heaven is reportedly a little smaller and more remote, but is still technically Heaven. According to a spokesangel, the new Presbyterian Heaven will still be "nice," but just a little bit less luxurious than the original Heaven. "No frills, no extra stuff — just good, old-fashioned, basic eternal life," said the spokesangel. "Sure, it doesn't have all the same amenities, but you're still getting into 'Heaven.' Just not, you know, Heaven Heaven." There will be a business casual dress code, according to sources, though every few millennia, inhabitants will be able to "really let their hair down" and go with a polo shirt and khakis. At publishing time, sources had confirmed the construction of an even smaller Heaven built just for Methodists.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
