CHICAGO, IL—In a press release Wednesday, Conagra Brands announced a new line of Full-Figured Jims, a spinoff of Slim Jims that's designed to promote body positivity.
As opposed to the skinny, "impossibly thin" Slim Jims, the Full-Figured Jims will have a much more realistic, plump size.
"Our Slim Jim brand has been promoting unrealistic standards for processed meat products, and we're ready to correct that now with these Full-Figured Jims," the press release read. "Big is beautiful, and we want our customers to have a real sense of body positivity as they snap into a whole box of Full-Figured Jims."
The wrappers of the Full-Figured Jims will have encouraging messages on them like "There's a lot more of you to love!" and "You're not large---you're just curvy!" according to the press release. They will come in packs of 120 3-pound sticks, and consumers are encouraged to eat as many as they want in a sitting.
"Don't let people shame you anymore," a Conagra spokesperson said. "Scarf down a Full-Figured Jim or twelve and think about how amazing you already are."
Breaking: Paypal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.