DULOC — In accordance with the Squatter's Rights Bill that was recently signed into law by Lord Farquaad, local ogre Shrek has been arrested and charged for attempting to remove squatters from his swamp.
The Squatters' Rights Bill gives a person the right to live on a property that is not theirs after establishing that they live there. The ability for squatters to claim certain rights after establishing their "squat" was inspired by similar laws in California and New York and works exactly the same way.
Experts believe the bill is an attempt by Lord Farquaad to soften his image somewhat after his harsh measures to rid the kingdom of Fairy Tale creatures, which is what directly led to the refugee crisis in Shrek's swamp in the first place.
Authorities were called to Shrek's swamp when he was reported to have yelled menacingly at the fairy-tale creatures in an attempt to drive them out of their new living arrangements.
"Enough!" shouted the angry ogre. "What are you doing in my house? I live in a swamp! I put up signs! I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do to get a little privacy? What are you doing in my swamp!?"
"Excuse me, what do you mean your swamp?," asked an officer of Lord Farquaad's court.
"This is my home! I live here!" replied Shrek.
"But apparently so do these creatures and that means they have rights," replied the officer of the law. "It's the law."
"But what about laws against trespassing?" asked an increasingly exasperated Shrek. "How do they have more rights than I do? That's it! I am changing all the locks and putting up fences and you all can leave my property!"
Legal experts say the dispute between the owner and his unwelcome tenants will have to work itself out in court. In Duloc, tenants have rights after 90 seconds of residence.
As Shrek attempted to throw everyone out of the swamp, the officers restrained Shrek and began leading him away in handcuffs.
"The court will have to sort this all out, sir. You'll have to come with us."
At publishing time, it was rumored that Lord Farquaad might make a deal with Shrek to amend the squatters' rights bill in exchange for the ogre rescuing a princess from a fire-breathing dragon.
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