KENTON, WA—A gunman was released from police custody on Thursday after it was determined by experts that the people he had shot were victims of COVID-19 and not his psychotic bloodlust-induced blind-firing rage-spree death-binge through downtown Kenton last week with three AR-15's, seventeen uzis, and one bazooka and zero clothes on. "Our apologies," said officers as they unlocked the man's cuffs and let him walk free, snickering and shaking like a lunatic with drool hanging from his chin.
Specialists from Washington's capitol quickly determined that the victims were clearly COVID-19 casualties. The local coroner attempted to push back citing the literal pegboard pattern of bullet holes littered about the scene and the bodies of the victims. He was promptly fired. "COVID-19 strikes again. Chalk it up," said COVID response agent Jonathan Smith.
The shooter's identity has been protected since he committed no crime. "If you shoot a bunch of people and it has no effect on them, that's not a crime. The effect is the crime if you think about it," explained Governor Inslee. "What we have here is a matter of a guy shooting people who had died a split second before his bullet hit them of a completely different thing. If this man is guilty of anything, it's incredibly bad timing."
Inslee was asked what he would do if the shooter went back on the streets and began firing on citizens again—which he did immediately. "To jump to conclusions about these things is reckless. You can't immediately link a bunch of bullets to death," said Inslee. "Especially in a time like this when almost all death is COVID related. This is science denial and if you deny science on my watch, you will face harsh repercussions."
The briefing was cut short after a hail of bullets could be heard nearby and officers began shouting, "COVID! GET DOWN! IT'S THE VIRUS!"
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