WASHINGTON, D.C.—Mitch McConnell was happy to receive the impeachment articles today so that the Senate could get on with acquitting the president and we can all move on to something much more productive, like making Siri say funny things.
But McConnell was forced to ask the House to send over another copy of the articles after the one they received was covered with dark purple wine stains.
"Hey, Mrs. Speaker, sorry to bug you," McConnell said, "but it looks like you've got some purple substance all over these articles of impeachment."
"Don't mess with me!" Pelosi snapped back. "I'm a Catholic. Wait -- do Catholics drink wine?" When an aide informed her they do, she realized the jig was up and sheepishly agreed to transmit fresh articles of impeachment.
An embarrassed Pelosi came over to pick up the old ones and deliver a fresh copy. She smelled the stains and confirmed they were a "delicious 1982 vintage -- very good year." A concerned aide tugged the paper out of her hand as she began to nibble at the corner.
Unfortunately, the new copy was covered in bourbon.