WASHINGTON, DC — The late Queen of England Elizabeth II has received a worldwide outpouring of love and support in the days since her death. Seeing an opportunity, Biden has reportedly asked aides if he should try dying to boost his approval numbers a couple of points.
"The Queen died, and everyone loves her now, even though her hair didn't smell good!" said Biden to his team during a morning briefing. "Should I try that? Dying, I mean. Maybe if I just kick the bucket for good that will help my campaign! Seriously! Think about it! Not kidding around! Come on!"
Biden then attempted to end it all by jumping out the first-story window of the Oval Office.
Sources say Biden's team shot down the idea after some research. "Our models indicate your death would be good for a 2-point jump in the polls," said Senior Advisor Mike Donilon. "Not sure that would be worth it for you."
Several other experts concurred, saying that since the President is already mostly dead, he would have little to gain politically by dying the rest of the way. "Unfortunately, It looks like we'll have to look for other avenues to improve the President's polling," said Donilon. "We might try having the President do a good job at being president and see if that works for us."
"At publishing time, aides narrowly prevented a second Biden suicide attempt as he tried to drown himself in a bowl of oatmeal.
Kamala Harris is out of a job, but luckily we've got ten great career options just for her.
