U.S.—In a desperate attempt to educate millennials, widely regarded as a generation of Tide Pod-eating ignoramuses who are almost as bad as the Boomers, a new edition of the Harry Potter series is being released which will now contain extended sections discussing world history.
“We’re tired of constantly telling them ‘Read another book!’” explained educator Philip Weber, who was behind the change. “So we’ve worked out the rights with J. K. Rowling to put all the information they’ll need into the only books they’ll read.”
In this new version of the Harry Potter series, the children attend the world history classes of a Professor Floopyflobbleflibble, and great detail is given as to exactly what Harry, Ron, and Hermione learn about such things as World War II and the Cold War. While learning, the children reinforce the importance of their new knowledge by saying things like, “This all seems like useful information -- maybe not for defeating Voldemort and the Death Eaters, but probably good to know for when we are old enough to vote.”
The new version seems to be working. “So socialism is a lot like casting the Cruciatus Curse on the economy,” stated Millennial Kassidy Morris after reading the new edition of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.
“Anti-Semitism is a lot like when people are bigoted against mudbloods,” said Millennial Ian Dixon while reading the new Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. “And I know that’s bad because it made Hermione sad.”
Some other changes had to be made to the books so the new sections didn’t affect the pacing. This was mainly done by removing much of the game “quidditch”, which was stupid and will be missed by no one.
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